Chapter Zero

The following is Chapter Zero of The Adventures of Jean Rodriguez, dated roughly Fall 2001 through Spring 2003. The work here is presented as written in its original, unedited form by my cool awesome ol' roommate Risa. It was shaped in short bursts as a sort of carthartic outlet through moments of stress-induced and possibly sleep-deprived expression and I like to think it helped the sanity of all those mentioned :) For that very same reason, unfortunately no one outside the story will really understand it. Anyhoo, it still means a lot to all of us ~ for me it's a reminder that I once knew to fill whatever missing gaps in life I couldn't directly answer with hopeful exploration ~ and I'm in terrible need of a sanity check, inspiration, nostalgia, what-have-you so I'm slapping J&R up here (with great care of course) in the hopes that Risa will pick up where she left off three years ago and continue the journey. So!! Without further ado, we proudly present Parts 1, _, and 3-6; Interlude; Part 7; Interlude 2; Part 42; Season Two; The Next Generation; and Parts Bajillion, _, _, and the Silly. Enjoy!

*passes the pencil back in time to Risa*

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I bring to you part ONE of a serial:

Here are the back issues of The Adventures of Jean and Rodriguez!

The Adventures of Jean and Rodriguez!
Once there was a cute little Asian girl named Jean who lived in Ithaca with her two equally cute roommates. Jean was mostly content, but something was missing in her life. Sure Ithaca was a bustling metropolis full of action and excitement, and her roommates were very normal and never ever annoying. Ever. Sure studying biology and chemistry was breathtaking and exciting every second of the day. But Jean wanted something more... she wanted... adventure!
One rainy day, Jean borrowed her roommate's car to drop off her roommates at the ever-so-ugly Uris Hall. On her way back towards Collegetown, Jean suddenly decided that she didn't want to stop. She wanted to keep going. Surely her roommate wouldn't mind if she borrowed the car for a little while. With that, Jean blasted the classical music and headed out of Tompkins County...

The Adventures of Jean and Rodriguez!
While the cute and intrepid Jean sped out of Tompkins County, car windows down and classical music blasting, her equally cute and intrepid roommates failed to notice. For, in fact, none of them had been in their room for quite awhile. Irene had been pressed into forced servitude by the Cornell CS department, and was locked up in a cold, yicky computer lab in an undisclosed location on the engineering quad, a habitat quite unhealthy for cute little Asian girls. Risa, meanwhile, was living out of a cot she had set up in an alcove in the 6th floor Olin stacks, consuming nothing but chai and banana bread from Libe Cafe.
Meanwhile, back on the road, Jean spotted a plastic barrette boutique off of 81. Intrigued, she decided to stop...

The Adventures of Jean and Rodriguez!
Part 3!
When we last left our heroines, Jean was on the road and Risa and Irene were locked away by academia, never to see the light of day. One fateful Tuesday, however, Irene completed the secret online ninja training course she had been taking unbeknownst to her captors. Using her newfound ninja skills, she liberated herself from the lab and returned home, only to find both her roommates gone. Sensing something was amiss, she descended in the dark ghetto elevator of DOOM & went off to find Risa in Olin...
Jean, meanwhile, was browsing around the plastic barrette boutique. Suddenly, a fine plastic specimen caught her eye. A green plastic crab barrette! She had to have it. After haggling intensely with the vendor for so fine a treasure, Jean secured it for only $1.99. Jubilantly, she hopped back into the car, where she got a sudden urge to speak Spanish...

The Adventures of Jean and Rodriguez!
Part 4!
While Jean was busy driving south and admiring her new plastic crab barrette, Irene had thrown a rope onto the roof of Olin and was climbing up the wall. When she reached the sixth floor she used her mad ninja skills to sneak in through the air vent. Why she didn't just take the elevator is unknown. Irene found Risa sequestered between two stacks, reading a French critique of Latin poetry. While loathe to disturb so liberal-artsy a scene, there was work to do.
"Risa!" she said through her black ninja mask, "Jean is gone! We have to go follow her!"
"Why? I'm sure she'll come back eventually. She's probably playing the flute somewhere."
"No, she's wandered out of Ithaca! We have to make sure she's okay! There are dangers in this world!"
"But I'm reading..."
Irene paused, momentarily frustrated, then spoke:
"She took your car."
Risa looked up sharply and threw the book aside. "Let's go."

The Adventures of Jean and Rodriguez!
Part 5!
Jean cranked up the Beethoven as she crossed the border into Oklahoma. Her desire to speak Spanish was forcing her further south, though she did worry that a sombrero would clash with her new green plastic crab barrette. As she passed by corn as high as an elephant's eye, she gave nary a thought to the Ithaca she had left behind...
...meanwhile, Risa and Irene could not forget Ithaca, seeing as they were stuck in it. They had decided to go after Jean, but without Risa's car, their options were limited.
"We could take TCAT," suggested Irene. Both young women immediately shook their heads at the idea of TCAT getting anyone anywhere convenient at any convenient time. At last, they decided just to walk. Following the scent of mothballs, Irene still in ninja garb and Risa bearing The Yellow Towel of Happiness, the two set off towards Whitney Point...

The Adventures of Jean and Rodriguez!
Part 6!
Three days later, Jean was cruising through southern Texas, only miles from her Mexican destination. Risa and Irene, however, had just manged to get to Whitney Point, home to the most oft-visited gas station in upstate NY, and to a school with a tank in its yard. Hungry and tired, Risa and Ninjairene entered the TravelMart to refresh themselves with chocolate milk and orange juice. "Hey Irène-chan?" asked Risa.
"Yes?" responded her roommate, polishing her ninja stars.
"I don't think we're allowed to walk on Rte. 81."
"We walked on the highway when I had to take pictures of WELCOME TO PA signs for my photo class."
"Yes, but only for a little bit, and I thought we were going to die."
"That's a good point," said Ninjairene. The roommates looked at each other for a minute, then Risa spoke: "I have a plan."
Ten minutes later the girls knocked on the principal's office at the Whitney Point school.
"Excuse me, can we borrow your tank?"

The Adventures of Jean and Rodriguez!
Interlude!

While Jean-chan was driving south of the border and Risa and Irene got comfy in their newly-loaned tank, the phone rang back in Eddygate 4E.

"Riiiiiing."
"Riiiiiing."
"Riiiiiing."
"Riiiiiing."

Shirley's door burst open just before the answering machine picked up.

"Hello?"
"Hello, is Shirley there?"
"No."
"Well, is her husband home?"
"Speaking," responded Mr. Liang...

The Adventures of Jean and Rodriguez!
Part 7!
"So where do you think Jean is now?" asked Risa as the girls approached their newly-leased tank.
"My ninja senses tell me she is somewhere in Texas," Ninjairene replied, sniffing for mothballs.
"Texas!" exclaimed Risa, "I could be a cowgirl!"
"Ooh! Can I be one too?"
"But you're already a Ninja," said Risa, "And besides, I don't think there were any Asian cowpeople in the Old West. Except for maybe Jackie Chan in Shanghai Noon."
Ninjairene agreed with her roommate on this point. But she was too late! For a passing gaggle of the Cornell PC police had heard Risa's statement, and were incensed that anyone be denied cowpersonness based on race, gender, or sexual orientation.
"After them!" cried the leader, pointing to our intrepid heroines.
Risa and Ninjairene looked at each other in panic, then scrambled into the tank to escape...

The Adventures of Jean and Rodriguez
Interlude 2
Mr. Liang put down the phone after finally convincing the telemarker that he didn't really exist. He was about to go sit down on the couch to watch "Street Smarts" when a hoarde of angry monkeys ran into the apartment, pried open Shirley's door, and absconded with her cushy office chair, slamming the door behind them.
Mr. Liang blinked.

The Adventures of Jean and Rodriguez!
Part 42
When we last left our heroines, their saga was in no state to be wrapped up before summer break. So, we present the Season 1 cliffhanger:
Risa and Ninjairene sped away from the angry protesters in the tank, which drove amazingly like a Mercury Sable, making it easier for Risa to steer. Suddenly, the girls heard a thump on the roof. Worried the Cornell hippies had caught up, Irene prepared some ninja stars and opened the hatch. But it was a mysterious other ninja, who handed the girls a video and left. The roomies put it in the tank's AV system. A man appeared on screen:
"This is Danny Wegman. I have a misson for you..."
Meanwhile, Jean crossed the border into Mexico. She moved in with a bunch of artists and musicians in Mexico City and made a living playing the piccolo on street corners for tourists while wearing a sombrero to blend in with the locals. One day, a suave-looking pool boy approached her corner. "Hello," he said in Spanish, "my name is... Rodriguez!"
TO BE CONTINUED!

After a harrowing yet fun-filled summer of fleeing evil squirrels and chasing hyper children, our intrepid narrator returns for...

The Adventures of Jean and Rodriguez: Season Two!

When we last left Risa and Ninjairene, they were in a tank, about to be given secret videotaped instructions from Ninja Lord Danny Wegman. Meanwhile, back in Mexico, Jean was wearing a sombrero, playing the piccolo for money, and had just met... Rodriguez!
Somewhere in the South American rain forest, Shirley's cushy office chair was about to be sacrificed to the evil Monkey Queen. The nonexistant Mr. Liang was still in a state of shock, blinking in apartment 4E, which had magically turned into apartment 5G over the summer.
Time for the adventures to resume, in...

THE ADVENTURES OF JEAN AND RODRIGUEZ: The Next Generation!!


The Adventures of Jean and Rogriguez!
"This is Danny Wegman. I have a mission for you..." the voice from the TV screen echoed through the tank. Risa and Ninjairene looked at each other, then back at the screen. Danny continued. "As we speak, monkies have absconded to South America with Shirley's cushy office chair. If they succeed in sacrificing it to the Monkey Queen, her powers will be fully realized, and she will begin her conquest. First, upstate New York, and then..." he paused dramatically, "THE WORLD!"
"Oh no! Not the world!" Risa and Ninjairene gasped simultaneously.
"Yes! The world!" replied Danny, "But there is still hope. You must seek the mythical Flying J rest stop. There you will find a special copy of Vog magazine with further instructions. Now go! It's up to you to revolutionize the world! Sekkai no kakumei!" The tape fuzzed out into static, then after a paused silence...
"To The Flying J!" the girls yelled as they sped off in the tank, still pursued by the Cornell hippies.

The Adventures of Jean and Rodriguez!
Part Bajillion
Meanwhile, back in Mexico, Rodriguez professed his love for Jean. "Dude, I just met you five seconds ago," Jean evenly replied, even though she never uses the word "dude" in real life, and if she did, it'd be really weird. "Besides," she continued, "What do you even do for a living?"
"I!?" stated Rodriguez proudly, "I am the greatest pool boy in all of Mexico!"
"A pool boy?" repeated Jean, adjusting her green plastic crab barette and polishing her piccolo, "That's to bad. The Cabbie of Enlightenment told me in my youth that I could only date grad students."
"Ah!" said Rodriguez, "But that is no problem! For I am currently studying at the University of Mexico Graduate School of Swimming Pool Engineering!"
"But wait," said Jean, "Don't graduate students live in dingy labs and emerge only once a month during the full moon?" For Jean had only known Cornell CS grad students before. Rodriguez quickly corrected her notions, and the two struck up a platonic torrid love affair.

The Adventures of Jean and Rodriguez!
As Risa and Ninjairene sped along Route 81 in their Ninjatank, an orange and brown sentinel appeared on the horizon.
"The Flying J!" the gals whispered in awe and wonder. They got off 81 somewhere near Scott, PA and soon reached their truck-stoppy destination.
"Number 432, your shower is ready," the loudspeaker announced as they entered the building. With the monkey queen's attack fast approaching, the girls had no time to waste and headed over to the magazine aisle.
"I don't see it!" said Risa.
"Hey, what's this thingie?" asked Ninjairene, looking at an oddly raised floor tile."
"It's some sort of switch!" replied Risa. Ninjairene made a cute effort-exerting noise while jumping onto the switch. Suddenly, a rack of potato chips flew up into the ceiling to reveal a treasure chest...

The Adventures of Jean and Rodriguez!
"So..." said Risa, looking down at the newly-appeared treasure chest, "I guess we kick it." They kicked it. Suddenly, a bliding light that went unnoticed by truckers flashed from its depths and triumphant music played.
"What is it?" asked Ninjairene, procuring a bound volume from the chest.
"Read the text," replied Risa, looking down at a magically appeared gray rectangle filled with words:
"You have found the Mystical Vog Magazine. It will help you find your way to the Monkey Queen's Secret Temple..."
"Well there you go," said Ninjairene. The roomies hopped into their Ninjatank, and rushed off down Rte. 81, not noticing that the Cornell hippies were still in fast pursuit.

With a heart heavy under the weight of problem sets and linguistics term papers, our intrepid author finds the strength to go on and continue with the next chapter of...
THE ADVENTURES OF JEAN AND RODRIGUEZ! Part the Silly

Meanwhile, back at apartment 5G, Shirley came home. Her room was a mess, with papers and books strewn about by the hoard of wild monkeys and her cushy office chair missing. Mr. Liang stood next to the door, shocked and still blinking. Shirley, however, noticed none of this, and instead wondered why the window was open. She closed it. Then she walked into the kitchen and ate some cereal out of Risa's measuring cup.
Meanwhile, back in Mexico, Jean was practicing her flute in Rodriguez's cabana. All of a sudden, she noticed a loose floorboard. She pried it up and looked into the secret compartment below. "Philip?" she asked. She glanced to the left of the chisakutekawaiimono. "Roger?" After closer inspection, Jean noticed that although they bore a striking resemblence to the pet pumpkins of apartment 5G, these were gourds of a different variety, and there were a lot more than two. "Oh well," said Jean, "They still need hats." She ripped out pages of various catalogs lying around addressed to people who hadn't lived at there for several years, and to Shirley's relatives, and then began PumpkinHat construction.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, some cowboys roped cattle.
Meanwhile, back in the Ninjatank, Risa and Ninjairene were examining the Mystical Vog Magazine, when they heard a loud pummeling on the roof of the tank. The roomies heard muffled angry shouts that included the words "liberation," "tolerance," and "if you don’t agree with us you're wrong." Realizing the Cornell hippies had finally caught up with them, Risa and Ninjairene reversed the polarity of the Ninjatank's magnetic field, which for some technobabble reason not fully definable here, made the hippies fly off of the Ninjatank and land in a cornfield in Nebraska.

Jean sat in Rodriguez's cabana, humming to herself and merrily constructing pumpkin hats. Suddenly, the door burst open. Jean looked up, and saw naught but a shadowy figure surrounded by bright light. Then Rodriguez entered the room, sunglasses gleaming.
"We have to get out of here!" he exclaimed, moving towards the conveniently-placed secret trap door in the back of the cabana.
Jean sat at her perch, mid hat-fold, and slightly confused.
"But why?" she inquired.
Rodriguez looked over Jean's head and out the window. "They're coming for us," he replied, turning back to the trap door.
"Who?" asked Jean.
"Evil Drug Lords," replied Rodriguez, not looking up from his task of prying open the door.
"WHAT?" Jean sputtered in loudness, "What are you doing being chased by Evil Drug Lords?"
Rodriguez sighed, propped open the door, and prepared to narrate a long, past-revealing exposee:
"Three months ago a couple of guys, long time pool patrons, came to my cabana and asked if I could store their pumpkins for awhile. It seems they were going to Guam for a week or so and needed a place to keep the little darlings. Of course, I'm not one to turn out stray pumpkins, so I agreed. Unfortunately, it turns out that they're hiding... THIS!"
Rodriguez whipped out a katana, and slashed a nearby pumpkin in two. Out poured... Illegal Drugs! Jean gasped in shock.
"As you see," continued Rodriguez, "we have to get out of here."
The two jumped down the trap door, through the open sunroof of Risa's usurped car, and drove off into the bright Mexican afternoon...